Barry Band: Gardens, daytime telly and self imbibing

By Barry Band
A motorway scene from the 1950's resembles motorways during the coronavirus lockdown PHOTO: Getty ImagesA motorway scene from the 1950's resembles motorways during the coronavirus lockdown PHOTO: Getty Images
A motorway scene from the 1950's resembles motorways during the coronavirus lockdown PHOTO: Getty Images

Time is suspended this week, in accord with the current situation.

Instead of looking back, we’re leaping ahead eight weeks at the old homestead.

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The big photograph on this page is how the back garden looked at the end of June, last year.

Barry Band's colourful back garden from June 2019Barry Band's colourful back garden from June 2019
Barry Band's colourful back garden from June 2019

It’s old woodland with mature elms, sycamores and an ancient horse chestnut.

The ground is threaded with tree roots and buried heaps of old railway gravel. Trying to dig here is guaranteed to loosen your fillings or dentures, whichever the case may be.

Apart from a weekly turn with the mower we leave it to nature. Right now the bluebells are still going strong.

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As time is suspended - current situation etc - discoveries are made. The dire state of daytime television, for instance.

Someone once described the telly as “visual chewing gum.” At least chewing gum has some flavour but not the hackneyed fillers that follow each other through the lockdown.

In my newspaper and magazine days such tosh submitted as feature articles would have been spiked.

The spike, I should explain, was a long, sharp object on the chief sub editor’s desk on which unwanted writings were deposited. Sometimes with ceremony.

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When I last worked in an office, probably 1987, the spike was still in use.

I assume that these days they use the electronic bin for TBNT items.

TBNT? Thanks but no thanks!

One plus factor in the current situation (this phrase is catching) is the welcome reduction in road traffic. It’s just like the 1950s, before Britain got fully mobile.

The delivery drivers must be loving it but spare a thought for the bus drivers, cruising round empty at 25mph. They can’t wait for the return of quirky passengers.

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As the boredom of the virus lockdown continues our old friend Peter - the sage of Ansdell - has been brushing up his Shakespeare (start quoting him now) and volunteers the following thought: “Unto thine own self be true.” (Hamlet, act one, scene three, Polonious to Laertes, his son).

Peter adds: “Self isolating is wise and so, there being no option, self intoxicating would appear to be perfectly acceptable, except that it might be self indulging, which if done to excess might be self harming, which by any reckoning would be self defeating.

“Whilst all this might appear to be an attempt at self justifying, the advice is that the occasional self imbibing is fine on the understanding that one’s self is able to remain upstanding.”

Have fun looking up the best of the Bard during your lockdown!

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