"I love you with all my heart": Last message of Reece Begg
Before he died, Reece Begg wrote a heartfelt letter about his long struggle with mental health problems. His brave family have chosen to share his last words in the hope other lives could be saved. Here is Reece's letter in full.
“First of all I can't put into words how sorry I am to do this and how guilty I feel for it. The purpose of this note is not to gain sympathy and have people feel sorry for me in any way. I just want to tell my story so that hopefully people can understand. Understand what it's like living with mental health issues, constant suicidal thoughts and a borderline personality disorder and why it is I decided to take my own life. I also want people to see that they're not the only ones feeling certain ways. I want them to see that there's others and it's not always the people you expect it to be, mental health doesn't discriminate. I left it up to my family whether or not they wanted to post this as I believe it should be up to them on how private they'd like this matter. Bear with me, I'm going to go on a bit here but I thought I may as well go into detail for those who care and want to understand, who I owe an explanation to.
"I know a lot of people won't understand why or how I could've done this. How could someone who hasn't had these feelings and doesn't understand what it's like to live life with these feelings ever understand. Truth is I've never truly been happy and I've never truly believed I could be. I just haven't got the capacity to deal with things as my head is just seriously screwed up. On paper I haven't lived a hard life I haven't been through all that much but mentally it's been tough to cope. It's got to a point where I feel like I'm on the verge of bursting into tears every single day but I can hardly even cry anymore. People will say I'm selfish and say how could I do this and I agree, I know it is and I wish more than anything I didn't feel this way but I do. I'm tired, I've been fighting for so long and picked myself out of so many deep holes but I just want the pain to be over now. It's got to a point now where I'm just sat there actually pulling my hair out for hours every day. The truth is I've been suicidal for around 16 years now but even before that I always felt different. I always struggled to fit in and struggled with my emotions in general. Basically since I was 12 years old I more and more kept thinking suicide will be the death of me. I always thought that'll be the way I go because anytime things got hard it overpowered me. I never fully shook that feeling and believed I'd live a full life.
"I have felt happy and somewhat content in periods despite still being at a constant war with myself. A few years ago for the first time I even believed that maybe just maybe I could die happy that there was another plan and I could live a good life. Instead as usual I sabotaged myself in every way possible to ruin that mindset and convince myself I didn't deserve that. I haven't fully recovered from losing that belief I finally had which took most of my life to achieve. Things as a result have just gone from bad to worse since.
"I've tried to get help but I don't feel like I got it when I did try. When I went to the doctor's I felt they didn't really listen to me fully or let me go into detail. Instead I told part of my feelings and they honed in on that and misdiagnosed me. I ended up on citalopram that made absolutely no difference to anything really, so I gave up on that after several months. When I went another time or maybe two I was recommended I think a hospital appointment. The problem with that was I waited two weeks for the original doctors appointment to be told that, then about three weeks waiting to say the same thing to two other people over the phone. By the time I got close to it I just lost interest because I was sick of waiting and being diverted here and there. I'll admit I'm not good at seeing anything through most the time and give up a lot but It took a lot for me to go to the doctor's and admit my problems. To have to do that three times over nearly three months of waiting when I desperately needed help took it out of me and it just didn't feel right. Usually after all the waiting I was out of the dark hole I was in which was the reason why I went to the doctors. Because of that I stupidly thought ah I'll be fine it's gone now but it always came back and i ended up in and out of that hole constantly. I just couldn't go through that waiting and repeating all my feelings again, that I wanted to kill myself, so many times to different people.
"The only reason I'm still alive when writing this is because I couldn't do it to my loved ones, I kept fighting and I've been fighting this losing battle all this time. I was also very scared to commit suicide, it is far from an easy thing to actually do it or try as I've never even tried it. In a way I've wanted to just die more than I want to commit suicide, at least this way I can leave a note I suppose. To be honest if I could acquire a gun like you can America if it was that easy maybe I wouldn't have lasted so long but it isn't that easy. That's why I always thought my friend Chris who took his life was so brave for doing what he did and I respected him for it. I just couldn't build up the courage to do it myself despite wanting to for so long and I felt like a coward for it. Chris was one of the only friends I've had felt really got me and never judged me. He was the only friend I've had where we'd hang out near everyday and I never felt paranoid like he didn't like me or anything like that. We had falling outs like any mates do but I've never had another friendship come close to that. We were both weirdos and both had our mental issues without ever really knowing about the others so maybe that's why we just got each other like we did. I just can't help but think it's about time I joined him after wanting to for so long.
"So many times, so many years I've wanted to but I couldn't, I'm just too tired now. I have nothing left and I know I'll never really amount to or achieve anything in my life and I can't help but think most people would be better off without me. Truth is in the past for most my life people have walked all over me and I never stuck up for myself. Some bosses, friends, ex partners, teachers all treated me like I was an idiot like I was dirt most the time. I started to think everyone just hated me and I didn't know why. I always tried to be nice to people and I tried my hardest to be a good friend, boyfriend, employee, but a lot of the time I didn't try hard enough. A lot of people just couldn't help but talk down to me and make me feel small and I never stuck up for myself and started to think maybe I deserved it. Until a few years ago when I decided to change and start treating people exactly how I'd been treated by people and pretend the nasty comments, don't hurt. I started being mean and horrible just like a lot had been to me for so long. I didn't want to become that person I just wanted to be nice but being nice didn't get me anywhere. Instead all I got was people taking liberties with me people like for example, a 'friend’ I lent £500 to who never paid me back. The people who have been in my life these last few years the people who I'm still friends with aren't guilty of this or to blame at all. If anything those people are what kept me going these past few years and you could say saved my life.
"I honestly just don't feel I'm important in anyway or just that I really offer anything and I wish everyone could just forget about me. In an ideal world no one loves me because at least then I wouldn't be putting those that do through this, I'm so very sorry to those who do. I'm just so unhappy, I hate everything about myself and I know I'll just mess up and squander any chance I get to be happy and I can't live with being this way Living with this pain any longer. I just can't enjoy anything I used to anymore there's almost no escape for me anymore. Nights out, football, computer games, music, food I can hardly enjoy any of it anymore. When I struggled mentally music always helped, it was my escape. Now I can't even listen to it much, it just brings up too many emotions and reminds me of things I don't want to. A lot of the time I'm down I either can't stop eating or I've gone days without food or water as a way of punishing myself. I was hoping deep down maybe I would just die from dehydration and starvation or something. Eventually I ended up having to socialise and eating/drinking something to stop people from worrying. Otherwise they'd have been suspicious after so many days and I didn't want that. Also I knew that there was no guarantee of dying that way, i wanted to make sure when I did it I did it properly. I didn't want a failed attempt I didn't want to survive and people know and worry. I've hid absolutely everything from everyone as didn't want people to worry about me, I couldn't deal with people knowing how bad I was. The only way I ever expressed the way I was feeling was through the music I share.
"Just before Christmas was when it all got really quite bad. I came so close to doing it before Christmas but I couldn't do that to my family I couldn't ruin that every year after I was gone. Since then near every night I went to sleep I just didn't want to wake up. I was wishing more than anything that I'd just die in my sleep and every time I woke up was so depressed. I spend hours in bed once I do wake up through just feeling paralysed with depression. I can hardly even look after myself or my flat anymore as I just don't have the energy. I hardly even go outside as I just end up super anxious. For example I've needed to go food shopping for a good 3 months. Instead I've just been ordering takeaways and going round the corner shop for any essentials as I just can't bring myself to do anything I don't have to. I've gone days without things I need as I've not felt like moving or even going round the corner. The only time I do venture out is when family and friends drag me out but I only make those appearances so that people don't worry. The truth is seeing people and socialising is exhausting because I put on a face and pretend I'm fine when deep down I'm dying inside. People are asking me how are you and have you looked for jobs and I lie every time. How can I ever tell people the truth, that I haven't and don't wanna do anything, that I just want to die.
"The problem with me is through the panic attacks, anxiety, depression and constant overthinking of everything I end up having emotional breakdowns regularly. I overthink absolutely every situation to the point I have to mentally script and plan out most situations and if it doesn't go how i plan in my head I just completely panic and shut down. I convince myself that I'm just a stupid idiot, that I'll never amount to anything, that I'm good for nothing, that no one actually likes me or loves me or wants to be with me and that everyone just puts up with me because they have to. I can never allow myself to believe that someone actually enjoys my company and when I do have good people in my life I push them away because I know they deserve better. I think a lot of it stems from how I was treated in school and how I was made to feel in some past relationships but I have honestly always just felt a little different. Due to these emotional breakdowns I have lost friends, partners and I've been sacked from every job I've ever had except the only one I liked which I got made redundant in. Due to going through a complete breakdown at the time and acting out as a result I've lost all the other jobs. Right now I've been unemployed for about 10 months after and I know I still mentally couldn't handle work right now. I couldn't deal with having to put a face on all that time and having to start from the bottom of yet another s*** job. Problem is I won't let myself believe I can do any better than the s*** minimal skill required jobs. When people say they think I can do better than what I'm doing and that I'm so much smarter I just don't believe it. People have helped me try get jobs say you should go for this or that and I just feel bad because I know I'm not worth the help. I pretty much hate people helping me for that reason I know I'm not worth it. The question I hate more than anything is what do you actually want to do. Truthfully I don't know what I want to do other than just kill myself and be rid of this pain.
"I really do just have so much disdain and hatred for myself. I can never believe someone else could possibly like or love me, I'll never cut myself any sort of slack. I know I'm not funny, smart, likeable, popular, ambitious, I don't have any skills or talents or anything I'm really good at, I'm nothing really. So I just think why would anyone want to be friends or anything with me when I'm pretty much good for nothing. I do try to help my friends, family, anyone I know out in anyway I can especially if they ask I'll always go out of my way to help. The problem is day to day I can see how I am with people recently and I hate it! The people who really know me know the person I've been recently isn't the real me and i hope they can remember me for who I was instead. I'm just sorry for everyone who has had to put up with me recently, some more than others I have been especially difficult with and I'm so so sorry. I know deep down I'll never be anyone's best man, I know i’d be a terrible dad a terrible husband and I'll never really amount to anything so I can't help think what's the point? I see everyone having kids getting married and I'm happy for them but at the same time I'm just so jealous too. Jealous because I know I'll never allow myself to ever get in that position and be that happy despite how much I want it. I'll never allow myself to believe that I can and that I deserve it. I mean I love dogs more than anything but I don't even think I'd be a good dog owner. I'm just so lazy, stressy, depressing and I have such a short fuse I wouldn't even wanna put a poor amazing little animal through my s***.
"One thing that pushed me to do this that bit more is because I know I'm basically just a waste of organs. My existence is basically pointless as I know I'll never really be able to do much good for anyone else. I know most people will easily forget about me and (to be honest) I'd rather it that way. I thought to myself why not make sure I was an organ donor and actually do some good. I thought if I'm not going to make use of them maybe if I die I can do more than I ever really would in life for someone else. Maybe someone who can actually make a positive impact on this world's life can be saved as I know I'm just wasting them. Truth is there's much more deserving people than myself for these organs, so it's only fair they have them. I was at a funeral a while ago thinking I could stop some people going through this pain and end mine at the same time.
"I swear in my heart that I always have good intentions with people but I just end up losing my head and f****** up everything. These past couple of years my personality has warped into this person that I really don't like and who I wish I wasn't. I've become really critical, angry, distant, mean, lazy and I hate it, I see the way I speak to people sometimes and I hate it but I can't stop myself. I've pushed absolutely everyone away and been a dick the past few years because I don't want anyone to care about me. I just don't feel like I deserve any of the people I have in my life and I wanted it to be easier on them. I apologise profusely from the bottom of my heart to those who have been on the receiving end of and have had to put up with these negative personality traits of mine. I'm not proud of it at all, I hate myself for it. My negative feelings about myself have just manifested that way and that's how I've let out all my frustrations. It's not fair and I am so so sorry for that I'm so ashamed of what I've become, I really do love you all so much deep down.
"My mind just works in a way that tells me I'm never good enough that I should've done better at this or that and I beat myself up about it all the time. I just convince myself I'm not actually important to anyone's lives and they'll all be fine without me too. It's the little things sometimes like if I don't get invited to something, people ignore me, someone not saying I love you back. Little things that don't bother most people I overthink and look into way too much and drive myself crazy about and it's just so silly because that s*** just happens. I end up pushing people away through fear of getting hurt or them leaving me as a result when in reality they were never gonna leave me. Just over the years I've had many friends and even some relationships where they always seem to outgrow me or they've treated me like they don't even like me so I just assume I'm not good enough for anyone these days. I know I'm not always good enough but I have always tried my best to make people feel loved and wanted and appreciated because I know how it feels to feel otherwise.
"If you've got good people in your life that put up with your s*** and accept you as you are keep them close. Treat them better than they deserve as they probably do just that for you. Make sure the good people around you know you love them, open up to each other and share like I never could and if you need help get it! Unfortunately the way I am I never see anything through and mental health checks was one of those things. It was stupid of me I know and I wish I did go through with it, maybe I'd be alive and happy now if I did but I'm crap. Don't be like me, don't bury your head, lie about how you feel and put your loved ones through what I am doing to mine. I know it's rich me saying that, but don't be like me, I won't let anyone in, there's so many things I haven't told anyone and it's just not healthy.
"I just want to say this isn't really anyone else's fault i have many issues and I just don't have the capacity to deal with them anymore and I don't know if I ever really did. Of course some things in the past may not have helped my mental state but that's life, s*** happens. Thank you to everyone who has stuck around and put up with my s*** and been a good friend to me you guys kept me going till now so thank you for everything.
"Lastly I've set up a gofundme for my parents to help with the funeral costs as I have used up every bit of my savings. I know I have no right to ask but I can't handle the guilt I feel for leaving my parents in this situation with the costs of it all so please if you can help them out and thank you for doing so. If it ends up making millions I'd like some money to go towards helping the homeless and old people as I can't imagine how awful it must be to be alone and in the situation those people are. The help is there for mental health, I just didn't really want it, I just thought I was too far gone. I don't expect people to be happy for me but I want people to understand it's better for me this way. My pain is over and I'm better this way as I've been so messed up, sad and lost for so long. Goodbye to all my friends and family, please look after and be there for and live for each other. I love every single one of you with all my heart!”
The Samaritans mental health charity helpline can be called 24 hours a day on 116 123.