Look at it This Way with Jacqueline Morley - 25 February 2011

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Welcome to Coach Trip. We’re heading for Showaddy Central, the very first (alternative and unofficial) festival to celebrate some uniquely Blackpool features.

Our tour will include five sections of lights left on, to the tune of £2,000, outside of the usual Illuminations season – to the surprise of locals, in light of the cutbacks, including hoteliers along the route concerned. They illuminate some of the few stretches of Promenade still open to traffic.

Showaddy’s first sell-out roadworks tour starts at the sign saying “have patience, it will be worth it” placed to coincide with the start of half-term, rather than locals tearing their hair out along the route.

Our tour continues with a quest to find the near mythical Talbot Gateway. Please note, on your right hand side, a proposed site for either a new college or National Museum of Failed Feasibility Studies, with separate annexe to accommodate archives associated with Blackpool’s Supercasino bid.

Please note, passengers are not allowed to steal a march by taking the Cinderella landau carriage to our new look coach park. This has been booked by the Top Gear team for a re-run of their Illuminations switch on race. Commandeered by Jeremy Clarkson dressed as a centurion, James May steering the Tower’s Mighty Wurlitzer, and Richard Hammond, as the lightest, mounting whatever local donkey is fitted with sat nav, ABS and go faster racing stripes.

Children will be able to join an early Easter Blackpool Rock treasure hunt amidst the giant concrete planters, which now prove more effective as road blocks. Having helped keep the Comparatively Tiny Traveller Invasion at bay last Christmas, they may be pressed into service, with flowers within, as buttonholes for groomsmen for the next Big Fat Gypsy Wedding at the town’s new look registry office.

Visitors will also be invited to guess the value of Carnesky’s Ghost Train in order to win a ride – when it’s open. Just don’t hold your breath. Finally, our very own queen of burlesque-ue Miss De Turning, will give guests the lowdown on the Great Promenade Tramtracks, with a pause for Lights refreshment at a seafront hotel, if you can work out how to reach it.

The cabaret includes an Elvis tribute singing All Dug Up, who returns for the season when the £30m programme of pothole repairs start.

Drainspotters will also get the chance to work out where potholes end and our sewage system begins as new water features threaten to out-do Showzam Central’s Spurting Man outside St John’s tomorrow. Remember that yellow rental bikes are still for hire to trial new cycle routes and prove a welcome diversion for bumper to bumper drivers alongside.

And on Sunday, Blackpool takes on Manchester in the play-offs to win relegation from the social deprivation league...