I’m not looking my best lately. And when you consider my best was probably the out of date picture above this column – which makes it look as if I’ve got an Adam’s apple – it’s really not good enough.
My habitually low self-esteem isn’t helped by daily showering in protozoan parasite as one of the (how many is it now?) thousands of Blackpool householders boiling contaminated tap water daily – or using bottled water to rinse salad leaves or top up coffee machines or clean teeth or wash dishes.
However, I do have a sneaking suspicion that a soupcon of cryptosporidium may have improved the condition of my hair. It just seems thicker, bouncier and shinier now.
Picture the TV advertising campaign by Cheryl UsedtobeCole…
“Weak, limp, lifeless, dull hair? Try protozoan parasite. Get your mojo back. And don’t forget the loo rolls in the next aisle. You’re worth it.”
Not so sure about United Utilities. Right now I’d sell them down the river in favour of another supplier if I could find anyone else to play Pooh sticks with.
The good news is I’ve turned my back (and face) on soap and water for ablutions and am using all those over-priced cleansers, lotions and moisturisers that I bought years ago, when I could afford them.
Most don’t appear to carry any kind of Use By date upon them, although some have the occasional ‘six/12/18 months’ sign alongside a little image of a lid being opened.
It’s all a bit Pandora’s make-up box. How old is this stuff? Even when the firms are still in business some of the products I’ve got on top of the wardrobe haven’t been made for years.
And the ones at the back of the wardrobe could have come from a make-up counter in Narnia – they look young but they’re REALLY old. I swear one lip definer pencil looked great until released from its plastic seal – and found it had honey fungus or something similar on it.
It also begs the question is it better to use cosmetics and cleansers loaded with parabens (which preserve them from bacterial growth) or stick with washing your face and body in protozoan parasite?
But it’s all making me smell rather nicer than usual, thanks to the lavish use of scented body lotions and such like.
I’m not the only one. My mum positively reeked of Opium the other day – slightly off-Opium because it had been bought years ago.
Mind you, it’s far better to smell of old Opium than new Charlie – or Evening in Paris half a lifetime on.
Just as I’ve got clothes older than some of my colleagues, my mum’s got make-up older than some of her grandchildren.
I have managed to furtively replace her Gay Whisper Crème Puffs (named in a less sniggering age) after noticing some of her face powder crumbled like a Dracula death mask when she smiled.
Max Factor still makes the range, but you get some seriously strange spam searching for Gay Whisper and Tempting Touch online.
A recent survey reveals some women have kept eye shadow for as long as 14 years, lipsticks for eight years – and it pains me to learn mascara should be binned four to six months after opening.
Make-up is a breeding ground for bacteria such as staphylococcus aureus – not to mention conjunctivitis and blepharitis – if kept far too long.
Makes cryptosporidium seem like a passing fad.
Getting ready for a flash mob
Let’s hear it for the girls! Blackpool’s Goalden Girls are five years old – as a group –this year having been formed to take on their first marathon in their 50s (and 60s for some).
As if walking coast-to-coast challenges and tackling epic runs and marathons to fund raise wasn’t tough enough. they are about to perform a ’70s disco ‘flash mob’ dance (fully clothed it has to be said) at a top secret venue a week tonight.
It’s the same night as the BIBAs – Be Inspired Business Awards – and I’ll be tweeting the ‘viral’ sensation – the #Bibasbend – from our event to the big corporate do and hoping the platform heels prove up to the challenge.
What’s more, Jog On the Musical, which was co-written by the daughter of one of the Goalden Girls and was inspired by their story – rather like Calendar Girls but minus the strategically placed cup cakes – is coming to the stage soon.
It was developed with Arts Council funding and is now to be showcased over four days at two venues in London later this month, as part of the ‘Ever Hopeful’ Repertory Season.
Some familiar faces from stage and screen have jumped at the roles. Fingers crossed it returns to resort roots soon.