The worst has finally happened.
Following a dramatic plummet from the sofa towards a wooden floor, accompanied by screeching and the issuing of words not authorised by this particular family news brand, the love of my life, my other half, the apple to my orange, is injured beyond repair – possibly fatally.
I am, officially, without phone.
When I say without phone – it’s gone for repair – I mean without access to the outside world (apart from that pesky speaking out loud) from my complex and fulfilling social media networks, without support in a crisis (who indeed will care what I have for dinner or if it contains a – horror – mushroom) and crucially, nobody will even KNOW if I’m in an airport/bar/poncy restaurant as I won’t be able to check in on Facebook.
My pithy asides and inspirational quotes and highly amusing memes will go unliked, the birthdays of friends who I can barely remember will go un-congratulated and – horror of horrors – I will be unable to take a selfie, choose the best one, then put it through a filter that removes any spots, signs of ageing and adds little birds flying above my head.
In other words, people will have to meet me in person and see what I really look like.
I’m quite beside myself.
For a start, how will secret powers – probably in the USA – track my every move?
How will advertisers know I’m going on holiday and try to sell me flip flops?
It’s quite the disaster.
Of course I’m not entirely cut off from the world as I have two laptops, a work phone and landline – and sarcasm may have been deployed in this article.
But every single one of those issues – in emotion form – went through me as I saw my smartphone freefall toward destruction – to the point I have realised I seriously have a problem. I’m not alone.
Smartphone addiction is a real thing.
It actually has a name –Nomophobia.
Recent studies show 72 per cent of people said they are rarely more than five feet away from their handset.
It’s exhausting – literally –it stops the brain releasing melatonin which stops you sleeping.
Time for a change?
Maybe after this last tweet..