Peter Kay is one of the North West's finest comics.
We compiled some of the North West comedian's funniest one-liners.
You never know where to look when eating a banana. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date? Theres no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something. I think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, Sorry we dont serve food in here.' So this bloke says to me, Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets? I thought, Thats all I need a Je-hoovers witness.' I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, Hes trying to pull a fast one.' When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesnt work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, Shh!' So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, Thats a turtle disaster.' I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I dont get on with my real ladder. So I went down the local supermarket. I said, I want to make a complaint this vinegars got lumps in it. He said, Those are pickled onions.' A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, Ill serve you, but dont start anything.' I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.