Eeh, what an e-card - and may the Farce be with you young Jedi nephews
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring - except for my computer mouse.
Aye, folks, if you got an online Christmas card from me it means only one thing. I forgot to send you the real thing.
And I’m very sorry because you can’t stick an e-card on your mantelpiece or treasure it for years to come in memory of loved ones and Christmasses Past.
Take a look at this marvellous picture (which was used on Memory Lane on Christmas Eve) of the late Gracie Fields with her husband B oris Alperovici looking at their Christmas cards in their suite at the Imperial Hotel, in Blackpool, on Christmas Eve 1955. Can you see our Gracie say eeh, that’s lovely to an e-card?
In York museum curators are cataloguing Christmas cards from the First World War for an exhibition at York Castle Museum next year. It’s social history.
And I know the best things in life are free and that goes for most e-cards but many carry a fair bit of spam too - and I prefer to go cold turkey from spam of any type at Christmas.
There’s a form of emotional blackmail inherent to e-cards. If you would like to thank your friend for being forgetful /stingy enough to send you an e-card rather than a proper one click on this link which will force you to sign up for the same service and see you plagued with every form of online card known to man, woman, child and beast across the globe.
And there are some bizarre festivals awaiting their very own e-cards. I thought I’d seen the weirdest with the Festival of the Artichoke in Benidorm - in celebration of a vegetable which seems the work of the devil. A pian to prepare and darn near inedible. Yet in Benidorm people dance beneath suspended papier mache artichokes before setting them aflame.
But in a small Spanish town called Manganeses de la Polvorosa they Toss the Goat every January in honour of St Vincent de Paul who I thought sang Sugar Me - but that’s Lynsey de Paul.
Just why St Vincent would be delighted to see a ghost tossed from the top of a church belfry is beyond me - but it’s my bet St Francis has ticked him off.
You can play “ketchup” with La Tomatina every summer in part of Valencia where locals pelt each other tomatoes - in tribute to the Virgin Mary (why, for heaven’s sake?) At least Pope Benedict tried to halt El Colacho - Spain again - which involves grown men dressed as devils jumping over babies born in the previous 12 months in a bid to rid the babies of original sin.
But I rather like the idea of sending an e-card to commemorate the Shinto fertility festival of Kanamara Matsuri although it’s not the online e-cards which worry me so much as the pop-ups.
Times like this I’m delighted to be an atheist.
At least there’s no fool like a Yule fool...
The Christmas force is strong within the Morley household. Computer games don’t get a look-in at this time of year.
T’is the time for traditional board games, even if we’re bored rigid with them.
So when my youngest and therefore cutest nephews clamoured for a game this week I feigned as much enthusiasm as I could.
Caption It from Ideal was out of the question. Have you any idea how many pictures I take, let alone caption, for this job? Too much like hard work. Coppit is fun but it’s a game I associate with wagging off school - I used to lay the board out and then go into hiding until Ma called me out to play.
So it had to be Monopoly. Again. Not the Blackpool Monopoly - with its odd placing of some of our nicest streets in the old grot spot property places and The Gazette having a lamentably low value - but Star Wars Monopoly.
Eight year old Gabriel- as self appointed banker - had our respective roles sussed out from the start. Gran was Obi-Wan Kenobi as “the oldest one here.” He was the heroic Luke Skywalker. His little brother Edward was Yoda - after flatly refusing to be Princess Leia. And I was typecast as Darth Vader. Luke, Yoda, I am your auntie. Dah dah dah!
Some things never change. With his first Sith card Yoda, four, ended up in jail, wailed the place down and refused to play.
Luke shortchanged Darth on change for the Death Star and Obi of any Go money.
Forget the Force. The Farce is strong in this family , young Jedi nephews...