I never thought I’d be in a position to write about God and spam in the same sentence but here we go.
A few weeks ago my e-mail system was tweaked and rather like those portals in science fiction series which open up the planet to untold horrors from another time or dimension, the new look e-mail has opened up a whole new world of spam.
There is a manoeuvre I can make which adds the sender to a blocked list but it doesn’t seem to work.
I’ve currently got more than 80 blocked senders (and that’s after clearing as many again out last week so my mailbox didn’t fill up.
Some are easy to dump such as: “Dear Kyle, You are my true love. Loving you is the thing that makes life worth living. Writing this love letter is specially my way to show my feeling of love for you. Of course I am not perfect, but I know what I want in life. I am a honest, sincere, and true girl, and I have a lot of love to give if you are willing to be on the receiving end. I sincerely love you Yours, Valentina.*”
Others pose a problem. I mean it’s not that long again I confessed to saying a little prayer for sunshine on The Only One’s wedding day.
The next thing I receive is: “Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and asking the Press to help Me locate an organization, community or nation to receive Me.
Here is all you have to do on behalf of your company, community or nation: send an email to me and say something such as “On behalf of, (your company, community, or nation) We want to welcome you, God Allah.” Be sure to include your email, SMS text number (if you have one), name and phone number. Then I will contact you back through email (Note, I do not phone back international; however, I email back international).
“If you want to learn more of God Allah (or God the Father, Christianity) see a church or mosque near you for more information.
Please be advised this is a very, serious emergency for many people around the world so you were advised to communicate with Me immediately.
Also, due to the nature of this emergency, it is possible there could be spiritual repercussions for your failure to comply. Thanks. Allah.”
Obviously it poses a dilemma?
To quote Joan Osborne “What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bus. Trying to make his way home?”
I mean on the one hand it’s a bit threatening. On the other he (sorry, He) is quite polite – “Thanks. Allah” is pretty cool for God. But why no phone calls?
Anyway it beats the heck out of “Replica Watches On Sale,” more offers for vigara (their spelling) than a premiership football squad could cope with, Citi Bank London’s kind offer of £1m scam compensation I’m owed if I give them a few grand of it to claim it, (they’ll hand deliver for just £2,500 in advance), my Italian and Japanese “spam pals” and the umpteen banks encountering problems with bank account despite me never having invested with them.