Notwithstanding the fact that I’ve never been a big fan of animals and household pets I always used to think my dream job would be to become a veterinarian.
Granted that was partly because I was the only boy in my class at school who could spell it correctly and partly because it worked quite well in conversation with relatives, parents’ friends and especially with young ladies.
Needless to say I grew out of it when I realised it would actually involve coming into physical contact with animals of all shapes and sizes – in all states of health.
Advertising, becoming a DJ and even trying my hand at teaching all crossed my mind until I ended up a journalist – which hasn’t been too bad, all things considered.
But in the too-little-too-late category I think I’ve finally discovered the dream job – searching for the ideal female leg.
I’ve never quite decided whether I’m a “leg man” or a “face man” or something a shade more mammary but should there ever be a place on the panel of experts who spent 12 years (that’s a long time!) studying photographs of models and athletes to find the most acceptable leg shape.
They looked at sources as diverse as Leonardo Da Vinci paintings, Greek statues and even Barbie dolls before defining the perfect pair of pins as “long with the bones in a straight line from thigh to slim ankle, the outline curving out and in at key points.”
And that took them 12 years? Basically they could have saved a lot of time just by popping down to any town centre club or bar on a Saturday night, eliminating the nine out of 10 females who actually think they’ve got great legs and settling on the other one for their evidence.
“The goal of this research was to have an ideal aesthetic model” on which to base plastic surgery – says a report in the medical journal Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (probably soon to be seen on Have I Got New For You?). I say again - 12 years!
The report continues: “As soon as the column departs from the straight axis, it deviates from our perceptions of beauty.” How many times have I heard that old chestnut being discussed by the blokes in The Thatched?
Anyway next up in the dream job list must be the person who chooses the song to feature in the John Lewis Christmas advertising campaign.
In case you’ve missed the news, this year’s selection (and subsequent latest tip for the Christmas chart topper) is indie folk singer Gabrielle Aplin and her haunting version of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s former number one hit, The Power of Love.
Unless you’re a YouTube follower you may ask Gabrielle who? But three years ago she set up her own record label to release her songs and notched up 2.5 million views for her single Home before starting to lobby John Lewis for the chance to be their Christmas star.
The result was aired for the first time last night on Channel 4 in a 90-second advert they hope will repeat the success of last year’s Slow Moving Millie revival of a song by The Smiths.
I just hope Gabrielle’s got good legs.