Promenade to be moved inland for safety’s sake

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News that Blackpool Council is to re-locate Blackpool Promenade further inland because it is considered to be “too close to the sea” was greeted with shock this week.

“Whoever came up with the idea of placing the promenade where it is clearly had not taken the health and safety of either our few remaining visitors or the occasional locals who accidentally wander along the front into consideration,” a spokesman said. “I’m sure it was probably a previous leadership who gave the green light for such a dangerous move but as soon as we have sorted out our other pressing problems we will be making every effort to move it inland.”

Other news from the council this week included the official re-naming of the recently installed but even more recently desecrated Comedy Carpet.

“Pending recent ‘alterations’ to the original concept which have come to pass, blah blah blah, we are proud to reveal, blah blah blah, that in future this iconic example of blue sky thinking, blah blah blah, will be known as the Comedy Pavement,” said Councillor Hugh Ancry, Portfolio Holder for Misguided Ideas. “Should any further sections of this short lived tourist attraction need ‘adjusting’ we have contingencies in store to re-brand it as the Comedy Snicket and possibly the Comedy Slab.

“We are asking any future comedians to please keep their catchphrases as short as possible – perhaps even cutting them down to just one word. We have suggested Bobby Ball abbreviates ‘Rock on Tommy’ to either just ‘Rock’ or ‘Tommy’ although the word ‘on’ would be more suited to our plans. Unfortunately The Krankies and their ‘fandabidozie’ will have to go as nobody knew what it meant anyway and very few people actually found it funny.”

Plans to re-paint Blackpool Tower in Dayglo yellow are to discussed at the next full council meeting after fears that it could pose a hazard to low flying aircraft and short sighted seagulls – and a team of wardens is to be appointed to patrol the beach with packets of Kleenex following a complaint from a recent day tripper than her toddler got sand in its eye while she was momentarily distracted trying to open a can of Tesco Super Strength Lager.

“We have found an increasing number of visitors have been unpleasantly surprised to discover that sand can be annoying and potentially very dangerous – particularly if the tide is out,” said Sue Yewall, chairman of the Avoid Litigation At All Costs Committee. “We have enough to worry about with the promenade cracking up due to traffic still actually managing to negotiate it despite removing any guidance for where it should be.”