At Edmonds Towers we’re set for Christmas – television set, that is. Over the festivities our box ogling hits a peak.
That’s partly because of bleak weather outside, partly the Christmas glitter and fatter larder making home even cosier, and partly more on telly – even the repeats are superior.
However, I’ve noticed that while staring at the same screen She Who Knows and I see things differently. Like our divergent memories of conversations and events, we can seem to be on different wavelengths.
As we record TV programmes if they include adverts, most of what we watch can be paused, turned back or fast-forwarded at dizzying speed – as She Who is wont to do.
“Oh!” I’ll exclaim, noticing the hour, “Mind if we hold this and watch the news headlines?”
Then, just as I’m picking up details of the latest economic disaster or celebrity scandal, She Who will comment: “What an awful tie he’s wearing.”
What the newscaster is wearing is of little interest to me, so my response will be a grunt.
“He needs a darker tie with that suit,” she’ll add, drowning out key details I was straining to hear.
Sometimes She Who Knows’ equally glamorous and observant sister or, indeed, their esteemed mother, may also be watching with us.
The distraction is at its worse when the presenter is a woman.
Just as the poor dear is giving us a vital rundown, my female companions will chime in.
“That’s a wig, of course.”
“Yes, but it suits her – certainly more than that dress does. With her figure that’s completely the wrong style.”
“Oh!” She Who will add in horror, but not at the presenter’s obscured words. “I hate it when people wear rings on middle fingers!”
Apparently, though, I’m just as irritating – over teeth.
“Look at that cosmetic dentistry!” I’ll exclaim, halfway through a tense drama. “The man’s supposed to be a down-and-out drunk but he’s got £20,000 of teeth sparkling at us!”
I’m just as bad watching cowboy films.
“I hardly think a gunslinger in the 1800s would have his teeth whitened,” I point out, “or even possess all of them!”
But then, in westerns, She Who Knows watches the horses rather than actors.
Animals and children famously steal the limelight but so also can clothes, wigs, jewellery, even teeth.
But our distractions, like recollections of arrangements, are curiously different – until our hands meet and She Who observes sweetly: “It’s lovely, isn’t it – doing things together.”
Happy viewing and merry Christmas to you, too!
n Books by Roy, including his latest light thriller ‘At Heaven’s Gate’ set in Lytham, are available online and in stores. Visit www.royedmonds-blackpool.com for full details.