Civil liberty for the sitting tenant – Tory MP David Davis.

Freedom to smoke in peace in a pub for Hamish Howitt – Blackpool's rebel publican.

And freedom from mind control by alien reptilian oppressors who have infiltrated every level of society – for former self-styled Son of God and now guru of conspiracy theorists David Icke.

Welcome to democracy, the British way. See it and weep, Zimbabwe, as we weep for those of you literally dying for the right to vote with your conscience rather than a despot's diktat.

Where else but England would throw up candidates, for an east Yorkshire electorate, as diverse as the Mad Cow Girl, Miss Great Britain.the
Church of the Militant Elvis and Make Politicians History?

Davis' resignation, on a point of principle, has put Haltemprice and Howden in East Yorkshire on the map for locals, and, some might argue, lizard-like aliens, alike.

Blackpool prefers to play it straight. Local postmaster Peter Collins, a Conservative, won by a landslide the fiercely contested Labour stronghold of Grange Park.

But the national by-election forced by Davis quitting the Commons (and his shadow cabinet post) is going from farce to worse.

It pits Blackpool's pro-smoking publican Howitt against the Two David's, Davis and Icke, and all three have had a pop at Goliath in the past.

Davis, once tipped to be Tory leader, walked out in protest at a new law to lock up terror suspects for up to 42 days without charge.

Paradoxically, the general public probably favour it, in this post-apocalyptic 9/11 world, so long as it doesn't impinge on dog fouling or fly tipping, given that anti terror surveillance powers have been
misappropriated for such by some local councils.

He's up against Icke, who, according to the 1991 Book of Wogan, proclaimed himself Son of God, thus stealing the thunder of fellow chat show guest Jim Davidson.

The former sports commentator will present the hapless Tikes with "The Big Brother/The Big Picture" party.

He's said to believe the royal family has the bloodline of reptilian aliens, that Princess Di was murdered, that turquoise is not only the colour of the universe but looks good on a shell suit, and that Britain may succumb to tsunami.

Then there's Blackpool's Howitt, of the Freedom 4 Choice party, the first landlord to be convicted for flouting the smoking ban, now holding out against a nanny state forcing smokers outside for a fag,
come rain, hail, shine or alien attack.

A year on, it's turned GB into a landscape of gazebos, puffs of smoke wafting forth, papal election like, while inside the loss of the diehard boozer-smoker costs the licensed trade dear, even if more now have the energy to blow out the candles on the NHS 60th birthday cake.

Davis, Howitt and Icke are just three of the 26 candidates in an ever-so-English electoral campaign which by-passes sublime and goes from the ridiculous to the downright batty.

Can we afford to let British politics be a laughing matter? Can we afford not to?

Given the cost to the taxpayer, around £80,000, is there honour in self-publicism?

Did women fight for the right to vote – for the Official Monster Raving Loony Party's Mad Cow Girl or Miss Great Britain?

In a week which started with Robert Mugabe brandishing the Bible aloft while sworn in to his sixth term as President of Zimbabwe, must we
treat our freedom so lightly?

Party pooper it may sound – but how far would the Church of the Militant Elvis get in Zimbabwe? Or Ronnie Carroll's Make Politicians History?

The candidates

DAVID DAVIS
Principled bruiser of Tory politics, twice foiled for party leadership, shadow home secretary since 2003.
PM Gordon Brown has labelled his decision to quit "a stunt that has become a farce."
Hero: the grandaddy of mavericks Labour's Tony Benn.
Davis-isms: "I made a calculation. I knew it would cost me cost me certain things – one was my career in the cabinet". And on the 42-day law: "It's a monstrosity, part of the Government's slow strangulation of fundamental British freedoms." "The issue here is who is not standing, not who is standing. The Labour party is not standing because they are afraid of the debate."
Voting record: for the Iraq war, both for and against the smoking ban, against student top-up fees, moderately against equal gay rights.
Election verdict: likely to walk it – unless abducted by a 12ft blood drinking shape shifting alien.

DAVID ICKE
One-time goalie, TV presenter, self proclaimed Son of God (announced on the 1991 Wogan show), now global conspiracy theorist, travelling guru, and icon in Canada where his seven hour talks sell out
Hero: George Orwell
Beliefs: An evil force of reptilian aliens have subjugated humanity for thousands of years, manipulating reality using advanced covert technology to turn us into slaves
Icke-isms: "One of my very greatest fears as a child was being ridiculed in public." "To them it's not a 'conspiracy' – it's their agenda." "Do what you know to be right without fear of the consequences." "We have to get control of our minds back."
Election verdict: no chance of winning but in it to "to communicate what people need to know as effectively as I can."

HAMISH HOWITT
Rebel publican, charismatic charmer, shameless self-publicist. First landlord in the country to be convicted of breaking the smoking ban,
Beliefs: "This is not an issue about smoking, it's an issue of the nanny state telling people what they can and can't do and to hell with the consequences for everyone else."
Heroine: wife Jo for standing by him
Hamish-isms: "David Icke is a very intellectual man but I don't know if half of what he says is to attract media attention." "I don't smoke, my wife doesn't smoke that much anymore and I wish everyone would quit and cigarettes were eradicated. But smokers need to gather somewhere. Apply these measures to any other minority group and there would be uproar."
Election verdict: unlikely to win – or pack it in!